*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
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Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I love you…
…r dog.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”