Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
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My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math