No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
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In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.