Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
You Might Also Like
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb