If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
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4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
at ease…shoulder.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Super Hand Dog Face
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*