Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
You Might Also Like
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Yes, this is exactly right
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much