My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
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Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum