MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
There are usually two types of merchants.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Put a ring on it
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.