Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*