Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
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Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.