Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
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I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you