[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
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Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I have two kinds of followers
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB