People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
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*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
🏙👨🏼
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away