Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?