16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
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i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.