Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
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I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Everyone’s family
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.