Who knew!
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why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy