I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
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Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.