Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
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me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.