There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
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Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
absolute chaos
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses