This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
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Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?