This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.