I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
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(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
accurate
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?