My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
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I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Teamwork makes the dream work.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…