Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
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Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Gods work.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
You better watch out
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it