Every husband sings this song ππ€£π π€£ππ€£
The ending is priceless πππ
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
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My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Iβm like a candle: Iβm cute, I smell nice, and thereβs a pretty good chance Iβll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So Iβve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Letβs see whoβs head explodes first.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Iβve had to repeat everything Iβve said to Alexa today like weβre married.
[looks up from laptop while updating rΓ©sumΓ©]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in historyβ
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably wonβt regret this later
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Me: A psychiatrist? Thatβs silly. Thereβs no such thing as βtoo obsessed with bagels.β
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Watson was Holmes schooled
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.