[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
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Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
The news is so predictable nowadays
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP