I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
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Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
💯😂
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?