Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
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I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
SCARY COSTUME
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”