I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
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[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake