Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
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[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
“Sheer Arrogance”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.