“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
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demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*