[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
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My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I am all good here, 😂😉
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.