Time for evil
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“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.