The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
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*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
multitasking lunch
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
He wanted to make sure😂
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.