Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
car not found
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
(Gaming support cat.)
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please