ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
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Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.