I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
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I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon