*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
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CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
From my Mom
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Ain’t no way
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction