*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
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Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Thursday