can’t talk my ride’s here
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Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.