*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
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Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
that’s really how it is
Previously On Persistence 😎
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?