Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
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It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory