[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
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I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Noah was an idiot.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.