Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
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Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.