Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
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If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.