I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
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Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Mornin
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”