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Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out