Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
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[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Got him!
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married