Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
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The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls